


Jinnai And The Bug

by KB9VCN



Category: El Hazard: The Magnificent World
Genre: Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-31
Updated: 2002-07-31
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written July 2002; humor/parody; about 2000 words.
This doesn't actually parody "Pinky And The Brain" very much (besides the theme song).  Oh well.
This contains quite a bit of adult humor.  (Hey, it's got Fatora in it.)  Reader discretion is advised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written July 2002; humor/parody; about 2000 words.
> 
> This doesn't actually parody "Pinky And The Brain" very much (besides the theme song). Oh well.
> 
> This contains quite a bit of adult humor. (Hey, it's got Fatora in it.) Reader discretion is advised.

Groucho lumbered into Jinnai's room in the Bugrom hive. He found Jinnai standing between a table piled high with papers, books and a half-eaten dinner, and a wall-mounted chalkboard covered with nearly illegible writing and rough sketches of contraptions that would have made Rube Goldberg proud.

" _lous ruoy ni esuohdrib_?" Groucho asked.

Jinnai turned and glowered at him, and answered him angrily. "The same thing we do every night, Groucho! Try to take over El-Hazard!!"

—

(sung by Fujisawa, Londs and Dr. Schtalubaugh, with deep voices)   
(last line performed by Kauru)

They're Jinnai and the bug   
They're Jinnai and the bug   
One's an evil genius,   
The other's a big lug.   
Jinnai's the only man   
The Bugrom understand.   
They're, oh my,   
They're Jinnai and the bug, bug, bug, bug,   
Bug, bug, bug, bug,   
Bug!

Jinnai's a psychopath   
And Groucho is his guard   
By the cunning of their plans   
They'll conquer El-Hazard.

They're Jinnai and the bug   
They're Jinnai and the bug   
Although he always loses,   
Jinnai is awfully smug.   
Although they'll never win,   
They'll always try again.   
They're, oh my,   
They're Jinnai and the bug, bug, bug, bug,   
Bug, bug, bug, bug—   
A BUG!? EEEEEEEE!!

—

Jinnai turned from the chalkboard with a sigh, and then sat at his desk. He dropped his elbows onto the table, ignoring the books and papers that fell to the floor as a result, and put his hands to his face. "Oh, Groucho," he moaned, "sometimes I wonder if I'm going at this all wrong. There must be a simple, elegant cunning plan worthy of my pure evil genius. Why can't I think of it?..."

" _evitceted letoh a saw ehs_?" Groucho suggested helpfully.

Jinnai looked up very suddenly and glared at him. "How should *I* know what Mizuhara would do!? If I knew THAT, I wouldn't HAVE this problem, now, WOULD I!?"

He put his hands over his face again, muttering to himself. "'What would Mizuhara do?' Hmmph..."

But then, he suddenly looked up again. "I don't know what Mizuhara would DO... But I know... what he's already DONE... and... if it worked for HIM...

"Groucho... are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

" _won em fo ssob eht ton eruoy_?" the Bugrom replied.

Jinnai looked at him for a moment, then put his hands over his face yet again, and sighed again. "Yes, Groucho. Two plus two still equals four."

—

Jinnai stood before a full-length mirror. Groucho stood behind him, with several layers of clothing draped over his long narrow arms. It was... women's clothing.

Jinnai wore a rather elegant long red velvet dress, black velvet gloves, a pair of tall black lady's boots that Deva had thrown out, and, on his head, a silver princesses' coronet, over a long black wig.

"Ha! Ha ha! Ha! It's PERFECT!" Jinnai cackled. "Why, if Mizuhara can impersonate a princess, then I can too! I shall simply infiltrate the next meeting of the Alliance, and learn their weaknesses! And then, I shall use that knowledge to conquer them all!! Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha!"

Then Jinnai turned to Groucho. "So... does this ensemble work for me? Be honest. I can handle the truth."

Groucho shook his head. " _elponitnatsnoc ton lubnatsi_."

"WHAT!?" Jinnai yelled. "What do you mean, red isn't my color?"

Just then, Deva came to the open door. "Mr. Jinnai?—"

She gasped, and put a hand to her mouth. "Oh my..."

But then, she smiled sweetly. "Why, Mr. Jinnai. I didn't know that you liked—"

Jinnai panicked. "Deva! No! It's not what you think!"

—

Jinnai's disguise, and the papers he forged, proved to be quite effective. He, or rather, she, was accepted to the next round of diplomatic meetings of the Alliance, at the royal palace in Floristica.

The Muldoon priestesses were also there. He sweated bullets as the great priestess of violence walked past him. But they did not cast more than a passing glance at him, and they did not see through his disguise.

But he had failed to take one very important fact into account: Diplomatic meetings are completely, utterly, and mind-numbingly boring.

Jinnai prayed that he could remain awake long enough to learn about the latest strategic military deployments. Unfortunately, those reports were scheduled for last on the meeting agenda. As the evening wore on, and then night fell, he drowsed, and his head nodded forwards.

Suddenly, a pair of hands clapped over his eyes, and a husky voice whispered in his ear. "Guess whooooo?..."

Jinnai turned, and saw Fatora kneeling behind him. For an instant, he panicked. Then he realized that she hadn't seen through his disguise, either. In fact, she seemed to be happy to find him.

Fatora pretended to pout. "Aw, you spoiled the surprise."

But then, she grinned. "So... whad'ya say we blow off this festival of boredom, and go have some... fun? Y'know, like the last time you were here?"

Jinnai froze. _Confound it!_ he thought. _Why did I have to resemble someone she knows? And why aren't there any heterosexual junior princesses in this world?_

Fatora pretended to pout again. "Aw, c'mon. Alielle's gone, visiting her family. She won't be back until tomorrow morning. I'm all alone. Why, I haven't had any 'satisfaction' for a whole two days, now. And I'm sure Alielle won't mind. She might even join us again, when she gets back... if I don't wear you out first..."

Then Fatora suddenly became impatient. "Oh, what do you want, an engraved invitation? Me. You. Sex. Now." She grabbed Jinnai's arm, and pulled him from the room.

—

Groucho stood at a window, in a darkened corner of the palace, and quietly contemplated life, the universe, and everything.

Why was he here? Was there any real purpose to his existence?

What was sentience? What was free will? Was he doomed to play out choices made for him by some higher power that he could not begin to imagine?

And why did Lord Master Jinnai yell at him so much?

—

Jinnai leaned against a wall, gasping for breath. He had run from Fatora as soon as they were away from the room. But he could still hear her voice, somewhere nearby. "Playing hard to get, eh? Ooh, I LIKE that..."

Another cunning plan began to form in Jinnai's mind. It was even more simple than the plan that had got him into this fix.

STEP 1: Get the hell out of here.

Sadly for Jinnai, Fatora found him before he could implement it. She glomped him before he could react, and shouted in triumph. "Gotcha!!"

* _ka-KLICK_ *!

Jinnai looked down at his wrist in horror. Fatora had just closed a manacle around it. Then his eyes followed its chain to the other manacle already on her wrist.

Fatora grinned maniacally. "Alielle has the only key, and like I said, she won't be back until morning. And this is an alloy straight out of Dr. Schtalubaugh's lab. A metal saw won't even scratch it."

She leaned against the wall, with her arms around him. "You're my prisoner... for the night. My prisoner... of luuuuuurve..."

Then she brought her face dangerously close to his, and ran her hand through his hair— or rather, his wig. "So, let's go..."

She trailed off as she pulled the wig from his head.

They stared blankly at each other for a few moments.

Then they both stared at the manacles, for a few moments more.

Fatora leaned away from him, and breathed out heavily. She was remarkably calm as she spoke. "Sweet mother of pearl. I've died and gone to hell."

But then, Jinnai thought of another cunning plan. "Ha! Ha ha! Ha!" he laughed. "No! YOU shall be MY prisoner! I shall take you back to the Bugrom hive again, and..."

Then HE trailed off, as he pulled at the manacles. Fatora's arm didn't move at all. She looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

Jinnai grabbed the manacle chain with both hands, and put his back into it. "Arg!... Ngh!... Oof!..." Finally, he gave up, and leaned back against the wall, gasping for breath, again.

Fatora crossed her arms and sighed. "Don't get much exercise, do you?"

Jinnai looked up and glared at her. "What do you DO, that makes you that strong?"

Fatora started to answer, but then Jinnai held up his free hand. "No. I withdraw the question. I don't want to know."

Then Jinnai shouted. "GROUCHO!! TO ME!!"

He yelled again. "COME, Groucho, or I shall have to HURT YOU!!"

Then he sighed. "Damn and blast! Where is he? Why isn't he coming to me!?"

As if on cue, Jinnai and Fatora both heard Kauru scream. A few moments later, they looked at the floor, as a shallow wave of water washed over their feet.

With her arms still crossed, Fatora tilted her head and drummed her fingers, as if in thought. Then she sighed again, and began to walk away, pulling Jinnai after her.

"Wait!" Jinnai yelled. "Where are you— where are we going?"

Fatora turned back to him, with a sly smile. "Back to my room. That's where we were going before... remember?"

Jinnai's face went white. "You! don't! mean!..." he gasped.

Fatora hung her head. "Look. Despite what you might have heard, I'm fairly open-minded. Hell, I'll try anything once. And I want some 'attention', and I want it NOW."

She held up her head, and her manacled wrist, and grinned. "And when life hands you a lemon, you should make... a 'lemon'."

"Guh... nuh... uh..." Jinnai said.

Fatora sighed yet again. "Let me put it this way. You have two choices.

"Either I parade you in front of my big sister, and Makoto, and the three priestesses, while you're dressed like THAT... and I get to tell them all about how *I* captured you... and then you spend the rest of your sad life in a dungeon...

"Or... you do exactly WHAT I tell you to do, WHEN I tell you to do it, and WHERE I tell you to do it, for one night... And then, after I've humiliated you like never before, and after Alielle comes back with the key, I'll let you go, and this'll be our own special little secret."

Jinnai suddenly found his voice. "You unspeakable pervert! You maladjusted fiend! You sex-crazed hellion! You..."

Fatora smiled sweetly. "Why, thank you for the compliments."

She took his lack of further invective for consent, and started to drag him away to her room again. But then, she stopped again, and turned back to him again, and smiled slyly again. "Oh, and you have to wear the dress and the wig all night, too."

Jinnai hung his head and groaned. "Sweet mother of pearl. I'VE died and gone to hell."

—

Groucho dragged Jinnai through the royal Bugrom hall, towards Deva, as she sat on her throne. Deva looked at him with concern. "Mr. Jinnai? Did the mission not go well? Oh, have you been injured? Please, speak to me!"

Jinnai left Groucho's side, and half-stumbled, half-crawled up the steps to Deva's throne. Then he crawled onto the throne, and curled up on Deva's lap. He whimpered, in a small sad voice. "Don't let the scary lady get me again. I'll be good. Please. I'll be good..."

Then he grabbed Deva's clothing with both hands, pushed his face against her, and began to cry like a lost child. Deva shushed him and stroked his hair. "There, there, now. Let it out, Mr. Jinnai. That's right. Let it all out..."

She looked up from him, out to Groucho, with one eyebrow raised.

Groucho held up his open hands and shrugged.

Deva sighed. "I hope Mr. Jinnai works through his issues before tonight."

" _niaga gnorw si thgir gnihtyreve_?" Groucho asked.

"The same thing we do every night!" Deva declared. "Try to take over the world!!"

Jinnai sobbed. "When does... the hurting... stop?"


End file.
